In my field of paper flowers, and candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours.....
Joined: Jun 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 28 Location: Why should I tell you!? Karma: 200
FFVII True « Thread Started on Jul 2, 2005, 1:57am »
A funny story about FFVII, the video game.
Ok. This is the true version of FFVII...everyone gather round. <everyone gathers round.>
Once upon a time, there was a man who had a huge sword. <you see Cloud with the buster sword.>
Cloud: Look at this sword! I can only pick it up!! Woah-WOOOOOW!!! <he falss over. a kid picks up the sword and starts swinging it in the air like a maniac.>
Kid: WUSS!!
Cloud was in SOLDIER, 1st class, he said, in SHINRA INC.. But he soon left to help AVALANCH, a group who wanted SHINRA INC. to be destroyed. <you see Barret, Tifa and some other folk in KKK outfits surrounding Cloud.>
All of 'em 'cept Cloud: One of us. One of us.
They had to do many operations, but soon, Cloud fell down into a hole on one of the operations. <you see Barret.>
Barret: That's a stupid f*ckin' way to die!!
Get over it. He doesn't die.
Barret: WHAAAAT!?
Yes, he fell through a roof onto some flowers, where he met Aeris. <you see Aeris and Cloud on some flowers. Aeris smiles, Cloud blushes, then Aeris starts beating him with her metal pole.>
Anyways, the SHINRA people were after him, so they both had to leave. <you see Aeris and Cloud again, but this time, she's beating him in an alley.>
Aeris: NOW-I HAD TO-LEAVE MY CHURCH-THIS IS-ALL-YOUR FAULT!! <Cloud is curled in the feetle position, crying.>
But they soon went to Aeris's home, where Cloud met her mother. He spent some of the night there, but soon left in the middle of the night, to find Tifa. But, Aeirs found out and soon found him. <you see Aeris raising her pole at Cloud, threatening him.>
Aeris: BOY, IF YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, I'LL KNOCK OFF YOUR HEAD!!!
Cloud while crying: Yes ma'am, GOD!!! WAAAAAAH!!!
Aeris: Crybaby....
So, Aeris and Cloud soon found Tifa in a carriage. <you see Aeris and Cloud and a carriage driving by.>
So, Aeris and Cloud finally found Tifa, but she headed for a place that Cloud thought was restricted.
Cloud: A-Aeris? C-could you go see who can go in or not?
Aeris: Whatever. <Aeris walks up to the person in front guarding the place.>
Aeris: Umm...only certain sexes come in here?
Guy: No. Actually, the master here is bisexual.
Aeris's thoughts: But Cloud doesn't know that. I can make him look like a fool....MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! <Aeris leaves.>
Cloud: Sooo...who can go in?
Aeris: Only girls, sorry.
Cloud: Well, guess I ave to dress like a girl.
Aeris's thoughts: Yes, dance my little puppet, DANCE!!!
So Cloud gets a wig, dress, and some perfume on and they soon leave to go to the place. When they got there, they were led inside by the person outside to the master's office. There, they saw Tifa.
Tifa: CLOUD!!!
Cloud: Who?
Aeris: Little b*tch... <Aeris gets into a cat fight with Tifa, and they tie.>
Tifa: You...little...
Aeris: Feel the anger, my little puppet....dance.....DAAAAAANCE!!!
Aers, Cloud, and Tifa dropped in the hole, and Cloud goes to help them up.
Cloud: Are you girls ok? Tifa: ....You were about to kiss him..... Cloud: I-I was acting!! Tifa: But you were almost to his lips..... Cloud: IT WOULDN'T MEAN ANYTHING!!! Aeris: Cloud likes men, eh? Cloud: NO!!! I LIKE BOOBS!!! BOOOOOOOOOBS!!!! Aps: Hello? Monster trying to kill you here..... Aeris: Yeah, you also like d*ck..... Cloud: NOOOOOOO!!!! Aps: Can you AT LEAST pay attention when I'm trying to eat you!? Tifa: Cloud....you were about to kiss him.....an inch close to his face..... Cloud: But I'm not gay!!! .....Not that there's anything wrong with that!! Aps: THAT'S IT!!! *in sobby voice* I can't take this anymore! I'm going to the FFIX world!
So the monster grabs a hat, tie, and suitcase, and leaves....meanwhile at the FFIX world.....Zidane and Amarant are watching the story of FFVII through a magical crystal....thing....
Zidane: YES!!! SCORE ONE FOR US!!! <gets ready to high five Amarant.> Amarant: Touch me and your dead. Zidane: .....You're almost as scary as Sephiroth......
With the monster gone, Cloud and the team leave to the top. They soon go to the Train Graveyard, and there, they see....CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!
Audience: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!?
THAT'S RIGHT!!! Anyways, he walks up to them, while Aeris is praying for the trains that were destroyed, and starts to talk.
Jack: Hello, mate!! Cloud: OH MY GOSH!!! IT'S CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!! <pulls out a notebook and pen.> Can I have your autograph, Ja-- Jack: CAPTAIN Jack!!! That goes for you too, person whose writing this!! Me: Sorry..... Captain Jack: Anyways.....
Then, out of the blue, Sephiroth comes, with an empty rum bottle in his hand.
Sephiroth: Hahahaha...... Captain Jack: *GASP* WHY IS THE RUM GONE!!? Sephiroth: Why's the rum gone? You wanna know why? Because I drank it, you bastard.
Then, as Aeris is praying, Sephiroth stabs her, and the white materia falls and is taken by a black cat. Then, that black cat gets squished by a train that slipped, and then the white materia desenegrates for no good reason.
Cloud: Sephiroth! What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to come until the end of disc one!! Now who am I going to save from the Shinra bilding!? Sephiroth: ....You can save yo momma, biatch.
Cloud: I'M NOT A WUSS!!!!! Sephiroth: Hahaha....whatever you say, Cloud. Whatever you say.....
BE QUIET!!!! Ahem, anyways........Cloud was crying, not knowing what to do, when 7 Day Theory, who was hiding in a bush, said....
7 Day Theory: Hey, aren't you guys supposed to go to the reactor and help Barret? Sephiroth: The talking bush is right, you should go help him. Cloud: B-but aren't YOU going to try and kill him? Sephiroth: Please, and have hate-crime charges against me? I'm not stupid enough to kill a black person.... Tifa: What's that supposed to mean? Sephiroth: Look, it's not my fault the government is so corrupt.....and stupid.....and........THEY'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!!
And so, Sephiroth flew away like a bird. Cloud and Tifa left to help Barret, leaving Ja--
Captain Jack: CAPTAIN JACK!!!
......Captain Jack alone to mourn for the empty rum bottles. Once Cloud and Tifa got to the reactor, Reno fell down from the reactor.
Cloud: AH!!! It's a guy whose cooler than me!! Reno: I'm such a badass....... Cloud: No you're not.... Reno: Hey, do YOU have red, long, spikey hair, and have all the ladies chasing after you? Cloud: No....but Sephiroth has the ladies chasing after him.
Meanwhile, with Sephiroth.....Sephiroth is flying in the sky, when tons of airplanes start following him, filled with fangirls.
All The Fangirls At Once: OH MY GOD!!! IT'S SEPHIROTH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Sephiroth: No.....NOOO!!!!
Back with Cloud.....then, Barret falls down with the team.
Barret: The pillars falling!! Reno: I'm such a badass..... Cloud: What!? But how!? Barret: It's all the f#ckin' Triple A dude's fault!! Triple A Dude: Sorry.... Tifa: Don't be sorry!! Just go and die!! No one likes Triple A anyways!!!! Triple A Dude: Um.....ok....
And so, the Triple A Dude gets a gun out and shoots himself. So it sounds like--
Some Guy: HOOPLAH!!!!
WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP INTERUPTING ME!!? GOSH!!! And now, I will start to cry. WAAAAA--
Audience: HE'S SORRY!!!
Yeah, he'd better be....anyways, Reno calls a helicopter to pick him up.
Cloud: HEY HERE DO YOU--
He would've finished his sentence, but inside was....wait. I WAS THE ONE INSIDE!!!
Me: HELP MEEEEE!!!!! Cloud, Barret, and Tifa: THE NARRARATOR!!!! Reno: I'm such a badass.....I'm so bad, that I'm gonna take this girl for Hojo to operate on.....yeah, what now?
And the helicopter leaves, with me inside....why me?
With me as a hostage, Aeris dead, the FFIX world spying on the FFVII world....
Zidane: *gasp* They're onto us, Amarant! Amarant: So? Zidane: YOU DON'T CARE!? Amarant: No, not really..... Zidane: ....You're no fun. Amarant: <punches Zidane.> Zidane In Sobby Voice: Why do you hate me!?
....and J--
Captain Jack: CAPTA-- <gets shot by me.>
....er......now dead......you could say that there was certainly a mess of things. But first things first. Go tell Aeris's mom that Aeris is dead......wait.....but what about me!?
Cloud: You can die for all I care!! Barret: You shut the f*ck up! She's the narrarator! She controls this world!! Tifa: Which leads to the question.....why did she have herself get captured?
Because, I like eggs.
Barret: What the f*ck does that have to do with anything!?
It has everythig to do with anything. How do you think Sephiroth's so strong? Because he eats eggs!
Sephiroth: Yep, that's true..... Cloud: What are you doing here!? Sephiroth: Oh, sorry, I'm not supposed to be here am I?
Sephiroth leaves, while whistling a tune. Once they got to Aeris's house and told Aeris's mom about Aeris's death, she started to cry.
Aeris's Mom: Why did she have to die!? Cloud: ....Blame the narrarator.
Look, I'd rather of had Cloud or Tifa die than her, so instead of making it harder on myself, I had her die early, so the pain could be easier.
Aeris's Mom: Oh.....then I forgive you. Cloud: What!? Tifa: Tell me....what was Aeris like? Aeris's Mom: Well....
So Aeris's Mom told the others about Aeris, and her being a Cetra, or Ancient. It's very long, so I will not include dialogue.....
Doosday: Lazy bastard! <gets shot by me.>
Anyways.....
Audience: You shot Doomsday!!
He didn't respect mah authoritah. Anyways.....once she was done explaining.....they headed out to save me.....how pathetic....
Team: What?
I'm going t be saved by Tifa and Cloud....
Tifa: HEY!!! Cloud: Why do you hate us!?
I don't hate Barret. He's cool. But you guys are just plain annoying....
Tifa: Why I oughta!!
Just try and do something to me. Oh, that's right! YOU CAN'T!!! Firstly, I'm with Reno right now....
Reno: Yeah, what now? The badass has got the narrarator! That's what makes me a badass.....I'm such a badass.....
.....Secondly, I'm the narrarator. I control the story.
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